New Year Resolution: Trust Your Parachute
What is it with us? Are we losing control or are we turning into control freaks?
It was one autumn afternoon in October. I remember it vividly.
I was at my desk and suddenly it happened. I was thinking about it for a while and I knew this routine is not sustainable for much longer. It has made me mentally and physically sick. What I did not know was how bad it was!
I was having a conversation with myself, as if there were two us in one body…Bizarre I know! There was this broken, fragile and vulnerable woman who could no longer manage and was losing all her confidence. Then there was the other part of me, who was loving, wise, detached and free. These two beings, which were both me, were talking.
Conversation started when the Vulnerable one, let’s call her “Little me”, realised physically she no longer can stay at her desk, but found no courage to get her bag and leave the office. She was reasoning with the other version of me, let’s in this case, call her “Big me”.
“Little Me” wanted to cry. She was tired, sad and unhappy, but at the same time she was reasoning with herself not to lose it and remain in control, because that was what expected of her. After all, it was not professional for a woman in her role to show weakness in a corporate environment. So, she decided to remain with her pain but something wouldn’t allow it anymore. “Little me” has reached her limit and despite her efforts, her body and mind wouldn’t obey anymore instructions from her. Something which felt outside of her control, took charge and said ENOUGH! “Little me” became powerless but her mind still got in the way and was making excuses, giving her orders to get a grip and sort this emotional mess out IMMEDIATELY before anyone could see her sobbing face.
How would people judge, would be important to her. How would her boss or colleagues react? She would become the talk of the office and the weakest link and that was a big NO NO… Despite all of these thoughts, it was happening to her. “Little me” was no longer able to hide, manage, juggle or fix this and her emotions were taking over, outside of her choice. She didn’t like it and it made matters worse and harder for her.
“Big me” who was witnessing everything from when it all began, continued to watch. She understood but didn’t agree with “Little me”. She loved her so much that it was hard to watch her destroy herself and her life like that. Life was too short and “Little me” was a happy, creative, jolly and healthy being before she started falling into the pattern of burning herself out. As a result, she forgot those qualities and replaced her reality with negative and limiting beliefs. She became conditioned, as a result of her environmental choices, although she liked to call them life circumstances!
Poor “Little me”. She was in pain and was suffering. Despite her wishes to manage, like she always did, she couldn’t. Staring at her computer screen and trying to hold back the tears she suddenly heard “Big me”:
“It is time. And you are going to make a change. It is happening to you and is going to be great because you are going to claim your life back and live it again…the way you planned it to.”
“You are loved and worthy, no matter how you may be feeling right now. The negative emotions will pass and is not real.”
“The real you, is always happy, joyous and free.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you did your utmost best in life.”
“Its time and you will make it happen, exactly as you wished before you felt this way.”
“Big me” wrapped her arms around the fragile “Little me” for comfort and reassured her that she can trust what is going on and is for the best. They chatted for a long while…kind of dragged a bit if you ask me, but it needed to be said and to come out.
“Little me” didn’t exactly leave on that autumnal October afternoon- sorry to disappoint- but she did a few weeks later. She needed to get strong and seek support and, to her surprise, was generously provided. Today, life still is not perfect but is so much better.
The reason I am telling you this story is because there are so many like “Little me” out there, feeling stuck, with their “Big me” silenced through all the chaos and loud noises in their heads! Burnout has become a 1st world dilemma of busy. We are conditioned to feel unimportant and not needed if not busy. If you are not juggling loads, you are not a good multi tasker. If you are not thin enough, rich enough, healthy enough, smart enough, happy enough, picture perfect enough, sexy enough, educated enough, wise enough, spiritual enough, flexible enough, religious enough, political enough…you are just NOT ENOUGH, no matter how hard you try.
Oh boy, that is a huge responsibility to take on yourself, just so you feel enough! And I bet comes with a huge price to pay too. Most likely, despite all your efforts, you are still not feeling enough! Now, that is cheating, don’t you think?
I no longer opt for these things and made some freaking fearful choices to make this a reality. Change is much scarier than staying in the pitfall that you already know but you need to ask yourself: for how much longer? To be balanced, to be whole and to be fulfilled has to come with sacrifices. It has become a luxury and a privilege, sadly not openly available to most.
How willing are you to take the leap before is too late? How long more are you going to be unhappy in order to get approval of others? How many more sleepless nights before you decide to make the change?
The question will remain unanswered for a lot of people but I want to tell you, anyone can do it. With a bit of help, support, love and outside guidance and plenty of commitment from your side, it can happen for you too. Nurture your “Little me” and bring it back. Say no to the non-essentials and see the priorities in life. Instead, make memories, be silly, laugh more and kiss often and let life flows through you without worrying about having the control. Have a bit of faith in yourself and give up the control from time to time. Change your mindset. Be open to possibilities, believe in miracles and for a change feel truly happy.
Once you have done it, trust it, live it…only then you realise how worthy you are. How much you matter to those you love and your real purpose is to enjoy and endure the gift of life. There will still be hard days, difficult conversations, sad moments but you can hear your “Big me” this time. Your head is not crowded with junk, your emotions are not numb and your clarity is not blurred and that my friend is called a “Balanced Human”. Your senses are working!
We come to this world, to experience and feel everything in full PRESENCE. Then we lose our path and lose ourselves and lose our families and lose our relationships and lose our children and lose our health, as a result!
Why am I here?
How much my life and those I love mean to me?
What are my priorities?
Would I do it this way if I had only a year to live?
And then evaluate your choices with your real desires and decide to face your fear and JUMP. Almost everyone I spoke to said their parachute opened and they landed safely.
Happy Ending 😊
Does this blog resonate with you? If so, join Sue for her “Burnout To Balance” workshop on Saturday 19th January 2pm to 4pm.